Because Ariel updated, or because being home sick gives me too much time in my own head.

Whenever I write a line like that, with an "or", I think of Rocky and Bullwinkle. There were always two "titles" for each episode. My brain pulls weird memories like that out of nowhere.
For instance, October reminded me solidly of my Grandma, and not because it was the month she died (that must have been after Christmas, thankfully), or because she loved Halloween or some such bullshit like that.
It reminds me of her since she was in the hospital battling lung cancer. We went out trick or treating around the neighborhoods near the hospital, someone always needed to be near. They must have knew that the fight was almost over. I can't tell you that; while I've always considered myself empathetic and indeed CALLED it when they called on the phone as I could tell just by my mother talking that she had finally died, I was only 8 when it was all over. I loved her fiercely, my Grandma. I don't know that she was perfect and considering how my own mother and all my aunts and uncles turned out, she couldn't have been the perfect mom. But I believe she did the best she could.
She was afraid of water in her face, to the point where she would only take baths. HOT, HOT baths. Once when I was younger, I was taking a bath with her and I saw that she had a mole on her back, and I was always worried about knocking it off accidentally. I have a mole in the same place. Mine feels more solidly attached then hers looked. Heh. =)
She loved Cabbage Patch Dolls. She collected them and kept them in the boxes. Drove my younger self CRAZY. I so wanted one.
She had a great small dog named Smokey.
And a weird boyfriend who one time took me to his house and took all his clothes off and walked around while I sat there uncomfortably. I felt like I told my Grandma this, though I don't have the specific memory of doing so. All I know is that I never saw Grandma's boyfriend again and that'll probably be the only time I ride a motorcycle. Man, I thought he was cool to have a motorcycle and then I was so confused and weirded out by him wanting to be naked.
I must have been young.
So....wow. I've totally deviated from the original thought I had when I came here tonight, but I remember her this time of year because we took that candy, from trick or treating, and we took it back to the hospital and got it x-rayed. I remember thinking how awesome it was to be able to see our candy. That must have been around the time that the urban legends about razors in apples and poison in candy went around. Or they were just humoring us.
My cousin must have been around...6? I was 8.

I was 8 the last time I saw my grandma too. The funeral was in March, just one day before my sister Angie was born. I remember reaching into the casket and touching her and her being so cold. I don't know why I thought it'd be different. I was shocked, all the same. She looked like I should be able to touch her and she was just asleep or something. They probably didn't get her make up right either. I remember her using the blue eyeliner and doing that "cat eyes" thing. Whenever I see some kid doing it, I'm like..what the hell? Why are they trying to pull off Grandma makeup?

I don't know if I've mentioned my grandma here before. Odds are I have. If you've read all this before, I apologize. I meant to come here and post something about parent teacher conferences and how I always feel like I'm going to be judged for being so young. Like...oh, that explains it. Instead I've let out what was really going around my head, I guess. Mom posted a pic the other day of my grandma in younger days. What struck me was that cigarette at the bottom of the picture...her death in waiting, yet she had no clue.

I'm glad more than ever, that I've mainly stopped smoking. I don't want to die before I reach 50. Die before I meet the majority of my grandkids. Me, Dustin, and Brandon are probably the only ones who really remember her.
I never know how to end this deep shit, so I'm just gonna put the picture up and call it good.

I apologize for the quality, but we're talking a picture from the 80's. Early eighties at that. My mom is first, looking impossibly young and HAPPY. Weird.
My soon to be stepdad Jeff (this was their wedding day photo); Aspen's dad, My grandma and my Grandpa.

Things I've learned from facebook.

That people don't always want to be your friend.

That the guy you thought you LOVED in high school has a hell of a lot more going on than you ever imagined and that you share a love of horror movies. Here I thought that he was just fucking hot.

It's not just a college site.

Many, many more people are on FB than MySpace.

You have a lot more work colleagues that you have to be "normal" for.

Your mom may be a better mom than on MySpace. That remains to be seen entirely. More conversation in two days than in two years though.

Since more people are on FB, that's more people to offend with random shit you say.

FB is far more addictive, since it seems to be a cross between twitter and MySpace.

I'm outta control.

Coming home did nothing to help my mood.

Was already pissed and irritated by going-ons at work.

Got home and the kid gave me lip. The kid who IS NOT FED, still has to read and shower and all before 9.

We HAD this conversation earlier today. "Derek should eat early" was uttered by one or the both of us during this conversation and yet my kid HAS NOT EATEN YET.
And will likely be late for bed.

How can I punish him since it's partly the adults fucking fault?

I'm going to guess that this is due to that fucking magic online game. Multiple times in the past couple weeks it's detained Ben.

So I find myself wishing the fucking site would break, or BETTER YET! Maybe the fucking computer will break. Then I won't have to pay for the fucking internet either.

Sure, I love the internet, I love the computer, sometimes I get caught up in it, but NOT WHEN IT'S IMPORTANT to get shit done.

SO FUCKING ANGRY.
And sad too.
I've decided that I can't afford RHPS this year. Life is too fucking expensive. Ben was like..well, is it really different live. YES. YES IT IS. I'm a sad panda. And I just keep cutting back on my shit but it doesn't feel like ANYONE else does. I've cut out all those mochas I like, I can't go to the show, but that doesn't mean anyone else in the house feels the pinch. Not like I do.

OMG! I still get visits..

I don't know how, but my site meter says I get visits.

Largely from people looking for something related to the fucking Beastie Boys.

I still hate them though.

It's been so damn long I couldn't remember my password..

Yes, I was THAT person.
Bored tonight. Melancholy for no real good reason. Just because I can, I guess.
It's been a million years since I updated this blog, I was thinking I'd let it fall to the wayside and yet, here I am.
This blog has become like my hotmail account, over 2,000 messages and I can't seem to make myself check it.

Notable things lately?
I can't sleep worth a crap it seems. I'm always worried (which is nothing new) about something...money, the child, etc.
This seems to have transferred to Ben. We'll probably both be pretty pissed off by the end of this sleepless stretch. That will be awesome. /sarcasm.
He's been making an effort to come to bed earlier so that I don't get woken up as much since I finally explained my problems with sleeping. I guess I thought I woke him up at night and that he realized how shitty it was becoming.
I explained that I don't think I've had a really long sleep since Easter. The night his tooth went all to hell and he couldn't sleep at all so he went to the living room for the night.
Explaining things to the boyfriend makes it better. I don't know what I think I SHOULDN'T bother him with my stressful mind, but I should bother him. He hasn't been scared off yet, and he must know how fucking crazy I am.

I had an awesome vacation with Jenn in May. We're trying to convince Ariel to come with us next time (C'mon my dear! You know you want to! It's gonna be my big thing to ME for turning 30 next year. I'm damn determined to put a nice bundle of cash away from tax returns so that we can get a hotel room (with a pool! would be awesome!)) and enjoy the hell out of one weekend. (I LOVE ADELE)

I'm quitting coffee. I got sick of being it's slave. Well...I'm hoping I can drink a coffee sometimes. I just don't want to do it every damn day.

My kid is a middle schooler! OMG! Today Ben and I went to Fred Meyer for some groceries and left him at the house for 45 minutes or so. ON HIS OWN. Cause I have to start doing shit like that more. The boy must be given just enough freedom. I know this. I was cutting class and heading to the mall to shoplift at 12, an age he is about to reach. Mostly cause I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends much. Meanwhile, he runs the neighborhood and rides his bike and checks in every hour. I wait with baited breath each time before he checks in...cause OBVIOUSLY HE IS DEAD.
This is crazy and I KNOW it. It doesn't prevent me from thinking it.

Ben and I are good..when I remember to actually discuss my issues and problems with him. Some days I'm like...I'm gonna be with him forever, and some days...well, some days I wonder if we'll make it after Derek isn't around needing him as much as he does. This is the shittiest thing that runs through my mind..I feel like a user since he's here with the kid. I just don't know if we're the best for each other, but I know he's like my best friend. We have so many inside jokes, we GET each other...it's not really like any relationship I've had before. So I have hope.

I seem to keep gaining weight every time I go back to the doctor for my birth control shot, but I NEED to not get pregnant, so I'm at a fucking loss. I bought a bike and I LOVE my bike, but I think I need a new innertube and can't afford one right now..so I can't ride it as much as I'd like.

Ben's wisdom teeth removal is only gonna end up costing us around 300 dollars. I was expecting anywhere from 900 to 600...was not expecting the lower amount.
Amazing what insurance can do for you.

One of my sisters got pregnant with twins (again) and I was all excited for her, cause she so longs to be a mother. But as the last time, this one did not end well and now I don't even know what to say to her. I just hope it's not something serious...but...twice in a row? Shit. I'm a realist, also known as a fucking pessimist and I don't want to make it worse. It's fucking bad enough. She was....25 weeks or so? Can't quite remember. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking melancholy.

Work is good. It's retail, so people are a bit freaking out since we're in the middle of a recession, but so far, so good. They aren't laying off any permanent people yet, and I seem to have found my own special niche. I'm somewhat of a right hand man to my boss sometimes. Not always, I'm not there yet, but I just..I dunno..it feels RIGHT. The only downside, and I still fucking understand WHY they are doing it, but it's still sad, is that no raises will be given this year. It's a preventative measure and it makes sense. With the football team winning though, we may actually see less of a loss this year.

I'm fucking addicted to Facebook. It's a problem. I found my high school boyfriend, the first guy who I had sex with..and we've been talking. He's married, has two kids, looks like he's doing well and I'm happy for him. He invited all his FB friends out to his birthday party yet I could not make myself go. I'm...so much fatter now then in high school and I wasn't THIN then. I admitted as much so he would understand that it wasn't him it was me (how cliche!) and he said..well, he hopes that I know he wouldn't judge me like that.
Which is all well and fine, but WTF? This guy was like..I dunno. I thought I NEEDED him to be happy (cause I was just as crazy then) and he treated me like a secret girlfriend. We made out for like...a year, but only went out for a week. How could I NOT feel judged by that? It's like I'm back in fucking high school.

I've also been hanging out with other ex boyfriends. Making my peace with the way things ended. I adore hanging out with Paul and Liz, I like Jake's wife Karen (thought not always Jake), and...well shit I guess that's it. But Paul was my last big stupid crush, and it's cathartic to be friends. We had a conversation where I admitted how I seemed to find the wrong guys and like them for the wrong reasons, and put myself too far into it.
He responded..yes, I remember that. And it was almost funny! Cause I could tell he knew that I also meant him. Not just the high school boyfriend who I let use me.

Ben seems to not be as against marriage, but now I am. Why fix something that isn't broken? I should have a fake wedding day just for the thrills. All kidding aside, that boy and I won't get married ever. Not unless he finds a way to deal with his child support. I can't have that hanging over my head. I can't afford to be garnished for a dumb mistake he made in high school. I'm paying for my child already.

Oh and Derek has a new little half sister. She's adorable. I'm glad for Jake and Karen, though Jake would have liked a boy I think. I'm selfishly glad that Derek has remained his sole boy child. This will cut down on some jealousy I think. They'll have BOY things they do, and it'll be a special bond for my boy.
All I really want is for Derek to feel like he's wanted. By both parents. Something I didn't feel.

My mom is trying to be my friend on FB and I've managed (only barely) to restrain myself from telling my mom that being on FB and being my friend DOES NOT make her a good mother. I went past my last birthday with no card, no email, no ANYTHING from her. FUCK HER. (I'm still a little pissed, I guess.)

I miss the hell out of my sisters. And my friends who've moved.

And I think that's it. An hour later, I'm done spewing. Since I haven't updated since last FEBRUARY, no doubt people won't actually check this for awhile. lol.

Does anyone actually still read this? And if you don't..meh. I'm liking the outlet I get from typing. Don't expect regularity though. Cause obviously you can't.

(WHY! WHY would VH1 Divas have Sheryl Crow and Miley Cyrus play the whiniest song? Sheryl Crow has so many better songs! Ugh.)

GAH!

Today sucks.

My stomach has been queasy since this morning, having that extra coffee didn't help, but I was dog tired.
I'm trying to change my attitude before I take it into Friday with me.
I dunno if I'll succeed. I spent last night being totally pissed off and questioning my life choices. It's not the best place to be in. That much I can tell you.

Is all that vague enough? Good, I like it that way. Let's just say I was soul searching. And didn't really come up with any sort of answers.
Obviously, I was not very successful. I rarely am.
I was so mad and didn't want to name names so I just pulled out my notebook-diary thing that I used to write in. Back before I had a blog.
It's been since 2004 since I wrote in it last. And oddly enough I found that I was still trying to find some of that answers back then. Isn't 5 years long enough to come to a conclusion?
Or maybe I just get hot headed and have to write to blow off steam?

I also found that all those "parties" I used to throw didn't always leave me feeling so happy. For awhile, every party I was having would involve people who could stay up way later than me, so I would always fall asleep first, and be irritated by not having my boyfriend in bed with me as he is a late night person as well.
But when you have to get up in the morning with a kid, it's hard to want to stay up very late. I seem to be better at it now, maybe since I don't throw a party a month.
Now it's more of a delicacy, if you will, so I can stay awake from sheer excitement, I guess.

The only things I realized for sure last night? That I'm hyper critical when soul searching and often come out of it not really liking myself. Feeling like a moron. This is why I'm so "bubblegum pop" all the time. It's so much easier than sitting and criticizing myself again and again.

The end result?
1. I'm unhappy with myself. I'm unhappy with my weight (it's all fine and well to say fat chicks are awesome. I agree with you. They are nicer*, they are curvier...but my ass has gotten out of control. I can't find a picture of my new haircut that I like not because of the haircut but because of how fat my face looks in the picture. Shopping for clothes is much more of a hassle for me and much spendier than it used to be. I am TOTALLY fine with shopping at Walmart, but when all I could buy there is stretch jeans? No way). I'm unhappy with the bumpiness. It's all true. I pretend I don't care, but the scale went up again this last visit to the doctor. I've never been good at dieting, so my only option is to get more exercise. Which leads to the second part here...
2. I NEED to get a bike. I LIKE bike riding. The only other activity I enjoy is swimming and I can't buy a pool, so I should buy a bike. I mean to do this every year, but I haven't yet. And now that I am able to afford it, I'm not even sure how to go about it. How can I make sure I don't buy a lemon? (like my old computer, like a million other things I bought on the spur of the moment)
The bike shop next door has cruisers that aren't completely too expensive. They even come with a year's service. But the lady over there is kind of mean, so I don't know how to even approach her and ask what that covers. And the cruisers often don't have gears, which might be hard to ride in certain areas.
Or do I just buy a mountain bike? Or do I go to a billion places to comparison shop? (On the bus)
Gah. I can't decide what the hell to do honestly. I just want a bike before my ass gets too fat to even ride a normal bike.
In any case, I guess we'll see if I can actually keep this resolve to buy and ride a bike. Or maybe next year I'll just be bitching about the same old thing. Which means you can skip this post next year, cause you'll have already read it.

*mostly..though that's probably an awful stereotype. Generally, I like people who are nice, so I suppose a LOT of people I know are nicer and it would follow by default that the fat people I know would be nice as well. Is that disclaimer enough? I'm not trying to be mean, but it came out, and I can't find a word that better describes it. (Or I just hate skinny people? lol)**


**Eek, my first footnote on a blog. I was going to put quotation marks inside of other quotation marks and instead my brain thought this would be better. I'm kind of proud of me in a dorky way for that.

"You say I'm selfish, I agree with you on that."

My vacation thus far:
Friday - Met up with Jenn for steak (YUM) Walked the mall after stuffing ourselves silly. Ran into an old friend. Though I dare say she didn't recognize me, or perhaps my not talking made her uncomfortable. I don't think it was a secret that I hate being surprised by people in public. I get weird and quiet. And sometimes shaky. It's awesome. We hit the hot tubs and life was fantastic. The boys got home shortly after I did, Ben had won the tournament, so our night was damn good overall.
Saturday - My concert! Oh, the concert. I LOVED it. It was loud, it was awesome, it was made further better by them allowing us to take our beers out onto the McDonald Theater floor. So we could drink and enjoy. Before the concert, we hit the Horsehead and got dinner. Also, ran into Sidney and Patrick. And Zac too. When I am at the bar and have been drinking and run into someone? I'm "2 drink Desiree", who can handle any unexpected situation with finesse (at least in my mind).
Plus Sidney could never make me uncomfortable. Her and I had a long conversation about children's lit since my child seems to devour books. I walked away with some very good ideas from her and Patrick. Written down even so I don't have to remember them all. lol.
Sadly, I missed Heather's birthday party. Damn timing.
But when I got home that night I was pretty damn happy.
This was going to be the best vacation EVER.

Sunday - Pretty normal. We went grocery shopping, the boys made me laugh and Derek made me irritated at least once. Again, pretty normal. We walked home in a sudden downpour, so that was a bit frustrating. Heh.
Monday - Ben thinks he may be getting a sore throat. I tell him I will punch him if he makes me sick. I do all the dishes in an effort to actually be helpful while on vacation...I start to feel a sore throat while doing them.
Tuesday - My throat is sorer, my irritation is at an all time high, Ben is endlessly playing computer games on the computer, I keep clearing my throat louder and louder, so he finally gives me a chance to get lost on MySpace. For a bit.
Then he tells me that he thinks he may have a problem with one of his teeth and that he should call a doctor. Oh good. He doesn't have insurance, but when your teeth hurt, you should probably call a dentist. I frantically think of ideas for the rest of the day and any time I wake up in the middle of the night. Am determined that I shall never have any money again. Must make dental payments for the rest of life.
Also thinking how this is the WORST vacation ever.
Wednesday - Wake up thinking that maybe we could get that little piece of paper saying we are "domestic partners" and then I could put him on my dental insurance. It's not perfect and will still probably cost a bit, but better than doing it sans insurance. My dreams of taking a vacation with Jenn in the spring are not completely lost now. Since I've come up with some sort of conclusion beyond call a dentist, we'll be fucked for life, he now feels better. And his sore throat is better.
He feels better enough to want to go out for Magic. I'm alternately torn between being happy for him and wanting to seriously punch him.
While freaking out over non-insurance (which will have to be resolved at some point, I'm sure) I'm coughing and sputtering and NOT feeling better.
Thursday - I think I feel a bit better though my nose keeps issuing nastiness and my throat is not 100%. It's not even 75 at this point. But it's something. Ben is out present shopping, Derek managed to con his friend into taking him out to dinner so I'm in a quiet house debating on if I would like a rum and coke.
I think I would.
PS. To add to my best vacation/worst vacation scenario, I've decided I LOVE Sailor Jerry's rum and now everywhere in Oregon seems to be OUT of it. Only that kind of rum of course.
PSS. I'm betting money that my child was on a skateboard today without a helmet. I have no proof, so I'm going to pretend like kids don't misbehave and do shit like that. Especially since I can't prove it.
I'm not gonna make it until he's 18. There will be a nervous breakdown first. I'm the mom yelling down the street about how he shouldn't run with his hands in his pockets. That just seems like common sense to me, not so to him.
One last thing. I'm going to bet I'll feel fine when it's time to go back to work. I'm so pissed off right now. Like Cartman. ><
I have like a MONTH of sick time and when I take vacation days I get sick. I'm unlucky like that.

Ranting.

I'm home. Been home for about an hour now. I've been feeling sorry for myself. And angry at all the assholes who keep saying how much they LOVE snow and oh, good, more snow.
None of those assholes fell in the snow. None of them hurt their back. None of them have to walk in the goddamn snow.

I'm gonna punch the next person who says how much they love snow in the face. Unless it's my child, and then I GUESS I won't punch him. That would just knock his teeth off anyhow.

So I've managed to make myself feel a little better by sitting here thinking my hateful thoughts and listening to Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. By far my best Christmas album.

Ben and I had a discussion yesterday about how I rate my iTunes music. He thinks I rate things too high. And maybe he's right. But...it's all opinion anyhow, right?
So after he proceeded to SHOW me how many songs I'd had rated at 5 (900 out of 4,000 - I STILL don't think that's too much) and how many he'd rated at 5, I finally decided to just be mean about it.
I said..well, I told you your music sucks, and so that means I have better songs. Obviously.
This only comes into play on the RARE songs we actually share in iTunes. He rates Bon Jovi at a 5 and I rate Lady Sovereign at a 5, and pretty soon we're all up in each other's top 40 playlist.
Twyla at work was appropriately astonished at my meanness AND agreed that she likes Ben's music better; so I've decided not to talk to her for a week. Since she's on vacation, I guess it shouldn't be too hard. Heh.
Our disagreement is no surprise really. He likes weird stuff and I'm all about the pop stuff lately. To be fair to me, like 10 of those 900 songs are NIN. So I have SOME ok music in his opinion. Though he's not a huge fan of NIN anyhow.

Derek felt better enough that the boys went out to Magic and I haven't gotten any phone calls about him throwing up again. He insists it was due to the garlic powder he was allowed to put on his mac n cheese last night. I still think he caught some minor flu type bug. The boy tends to throw up once and then be done with it. At least the throwing up part. And he hasn't been lethargic, so all signs point to him feeling better.
There was the one time when he was not even a year old and he couldn't keep ANYTHING down, and that sucked.
I realized last night that this is just one of those things that has gotten easier, but more heart wrenching. He used to NEED me more and often come to tell me that he didn't feel good before I would take him to the bathroom. This often led to him not quite making it in time and cleaning up lots of puke. I don't miss that part, now he goes straight to the bathroom and then tells me afterwards.
But I guess I miss him needing me a little bit. Oh well. That's my job as a parent, to make him independent.

I HATE TODAY.

Woke up to Derek saying he was throwing up at 2:30 in the morning. Proceeded to clean up puke from the bath mats. Much as Ben is THE spider killer, I am the vomit cleaner. Damn my solid stomach.
Great middle of the night crap.
Got up this morning, thinking hurray, it's payday.
Fell in the street on the way to the bus stop. Straight down on my ass. Knocked the wind out of me. I've never had that happen before. It's a bad feeling. I felt like I'd never be able to breath again. It still feels tight around my back and stomach.
It hurts.
I managed to crawl over to the side of the street so that I would not be hit by cars.
My back hurts. It hurts a little bit to breath.
I get to work after much gasping and tearing up, and I find out that I've given away money again. SUB cashed their check a little too fast.
Oh well.
And I've apparently gone back in time and now I've got to have people buy alcohol for me instead of buying it for myself.
I don't believe in time travel, but since my ID is still expired, I have to find a buyer for the alcohol that I will most certainly want when I get home.

I still hate today. I'm going to cry before the day is over. I'm pretty sure.
The only plus side is that Derek is well enough to have attitude with Ben. Must mean he's not feeling too crummy.